The Big Breast


huge chicken

Pete was pullin' for a Pullet. Time to switch hormones.

I was brought up in a culture that objectified women and still does.  As an adolescent, I leered at “Playboy”.   The natural “gifts” on display there  set an impossible standard for most women, let alone my unfortunate sixth grade female class-mates.  Glossy, full color pages featured female mammary glands in all manner of presentation, selectively secreted by seductive lighting,  imprisoned provocatively by the sheerest of containment or cleverly (but barely) concealed or simply “suggested” by a cheeky stylist through an inspired wardrobe choice.

When implants first started to “appear,” I thought they looked unnatural and still do.  Still, they remain popular.  Google “breasts” and you’ll see what I mean.  Over 2.1 million results in less than 5 seconds.  And with a title like “The Big Breast”, while this is far from my best post, I predict it will be among the most read.

Today’s implants test the elasticity of the skin itself, pushing to the surface bulging veins and skin flaws that make breasts look like topographic globes. They’re grotesque, yet oddly fascinating.

She LifterNowhere is this more apparent than with female weight lifters. With masculine bodies, old school female proponents of the sport were at times difficult to differentiate from their male counterparts.  Enter breast implants.

Now, women of steel can sport bug-eyed headlights that precede the arrival of the rest of their bodies by milliseconds.  Their scantily clad torsos resemble dual Victorian ottomans with a button center, bulging fabric and rippled edges.  I find these women visually disturbing on a Freudian level.

breastSome women seek rib cages adorned with saline or silicone pouches so massive that they threaten healthy respiration, musculature and spinal alignment. Armed with giant implants, today’s cosmetic surgeons can turn women into the human equivalent of the turkey whose out-of whack upper bodies affect mobility itself.

Consider this flightless bird that serves no function I know of other  than to be eaten.  If there are other applications for the turkey, accept my apologies. They may need a publicist.

turkey(40)When I think of turkey, I think of Pilgrims, football, pumpkin pie and long naps.  Today’s turkey breasts are so massive that  scrawny turkey legs simply snap under the stress.

When I was a kid, we raised rabbits and some chickens, butchering both.  Of course, if asked how rabbit tastes, we’d all say, “It tastes just like chicken”.  We thought ourselves hilarious.  It was lonely out there on the farm.  Small wonder that Playboy so demanded our attention.  Anyway, back then a large chicken breast was a little smaller than my dad’s closed fist.  Today’s roasters look like yesterday’s hen turkey.  Chicken thighs look like breasts used to.  Today’s chicken breast yields  enough meat for two hungry adults. It’s nuts, I tell ya, just freakin nuts!

We’re eating mutants!  When is enough enough?  We adjust recipes. We waste more.  And I’m convinced that the mammoth parts–especially the white meat–lacks the flavor of smaller cuts. I am not timid about eating.  I do it often and well.  If I can’t finish something, it’s too damn big.

Some women think that tits apparently ready to explode are attractive.  They willingly pay dearly for medical modifications many live to regret.  Why?

I leave you with two questions: are big breasts another example of bigger not being better?  If not, since we spend so much time transfixed in bemused fascination as we revel in trading suspicions/ observations about such superficial modifications, what does it say about us?

(PS: I’ve written about politics, jobs, the economy, race, poverty, isolation, healthcare, violence, torture, hate, religion, forgiveness, sexism, music, culture, yada yada… Some 268 posts from dead serious to whymsical.  I just checked traffic and although this post has been up just 3 hours,  it’s ranked 2nd for the day.  On the internet, “Big Breasts” generate big hits.  Include a photo and “Katy, bar the door!” )

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15 Responses to The Big Breast

  1. Davis says:

    that is one meaning looking chicken — I wouldn’t mess with him (her?)

  2. Paul Sonderman says:

    It looks like he’s sizing up the cowboy. I don’t think poultry are omnivores. Good thing.

  3. skyewriter says:

    There is a really, really, funny mom blogger (Amalah) who puts the word “boobs” in the keyword section of just about every blog post– swears by it for traffic even.

    Good luck with all of the oglers, Paul.

    BTW, that one chick with the ginormo boobs— does she ever get out in public? I am sure she causes traffic accidents. If she’s ever in a fatal accident and her face is all that’s left, how will anyone recognize the poor thing? :)

  4. Paul Sonderman says:

    It seems like there’s no limit to how absurd it will get. We are a society that simply wants too much of everything.

    Oh, and that one shot is of my mom. She gets around okay , but uses a walker.

    heh, heh…

  5. delicate flower says:

    well, now I feel like I shouldn’t comment! No, really thanks for taking on the boob thing. The next time I eat turkey or chicken I’ll be thinking about nipples for sure. But, actually I like dark meat.

    As a woman with breasts.. my own ( and that’s obvious).. I forget how much men can be swayed by them. I have yet to really understand, intellectually, what’s so wonderful about them? I have the word ‘penis’ as a tag for the occasional blog..maybe i should start writing about boobs?

  6. Paul Sonderman says:

    Guaranteed to increase hits. I think “penis” would work even better than “boobs” or “breasts”. With “penis” you get inadequate, straight men, women, gay men (openly and closeted), preteen girls, lesbians and God knows who else?

    This post started with my preparing bulk chicken parts for freezing. My wife and I have noticed how chicken breasts, in particular have gotten so HUGE. Like, 2 to a frying pan huge. I used to prefer white meat but now prefer dark.

    So that’s how the post started. I Googled “Large Chicken Breasts” and derivatives, finding nothing I liked, then wondered about the human side of this and Googled simply “Breasts”. That’s when the levee broke.

    I’m convinced one could write an entire shelf of books on this subject but it’ll have to be someone else.

    Thanks for your comments.

  7. Irene Snyder says:

    Anything more than a mouthful is wasted.

    Ween

  8. Paul Sonderman says:

    At least in my experience, yet absurd as it is, we worship at the altar of the cosmetic surgeon. I’m not talking about restorative procedures or repair, I’m talking about enhancement. And what kind of perception construes breasts that look like inverted hot air balloons as desirable or attractive? What does that say about us?

    It’s lucrative–a lot of folks are getting rich behind this shit–that’s our other God, money/material goods. What ever became of accepting who one truly is (when what one is, is absolutely acceptable?)

    Even prosperity preachers justify getting one’s way and riches through scripture. It perverted. In America, bigger is better. Period. Pass the basket.

    It’s flat crazy. Our values are all out of whack. How we look matters more than who we are. And it keeps getting worse.

  9. sam says:

    Fuck uuuuuuuuuuuu Allllllllllllllllll.

  10. Paul Sonderman says:

    Now we’ve heard from the Rhodes scholar among us. Way to go, sam.

  11. coos123 says:

    v
    ery good

  12. Boston says:

    I have to ask… Is the chicken real??

  13. Paul Sonderman says:

    laughing here…nicely done!

  14. Julia says:

    Hello,

    Does anyone know who the artist is ?
    I’m talking about the chicken’s picture!

    Thanks!

  15. apu says:

    Hello,

    This chicken picture is REAL?

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