1-800 “Bite Me”: Why I Hate Cell Phones

I hate my phone.

cell-phone-poll1My sons hate theirs, too.  My wife loves hers but barely uses it.

I liked my last phone but when my youngest son destroyed his and needed a replacement, we had just fulfilled our contract with Sprint, who I feel should rename its Customer Service Department the “Go Piss Up a Rope Department.”

Of course, “re-upping” got us new “free” phones. They’re sleeker, have more features, are smaller, lighter, yada, yada.

My youngest wanted an upgrade phone.   He soon lost it and we had to buy another one.  At one point, we went back to his old phone, which we had rebuilt but he still hated.  That’s what started this whole mess.  My elder son and I traded ours for phones that also take pictures, but not very well.

Our phones text, which I rarely use but “all the kids ” love.  Our phones can connect to the web but the screens are so small, they’re really not practical to use that way–but can be.


For an extra fee, they all have GPS  capability, just in case we want the government to be able to  track us.  They calculate, message, vibrate, glow, beep, play

songs, blink, search, download, record voice and have an exhausting array of features which, if you simply can’t live without, will double your bill.

Our cell bill rides around $120/mo.  Every time we go for an advertised cheaper rate, the monthly bill locks in $10-$20 higher.  When I phone questioning “why,” I get mumbo-jumbo.   Further, the batteries, being smaller, don’t last as long–and since they no longer share common power connectors, potential charging locations are limited.

If a phone’s not operationally obsolete, it will be as soon  you need replacement batteries.  Manufacturers keep those in stock about 48 hours after new models hit the shelves.


And let’s face it…people who use cell phones in public should be shot into space.  Nothing says “crazy” like a guy on a blue tooth headset, standing alone, yelling and gesturing as he argues with a caller.

I’m convinced that the wireless companies, in cahoots with equipment manufacturers,  have consumers by the balls (ladies, feel free to choose another body part).  They use predatory pricing/contracts to lock us in at rates that if we were free to shop around, would be much lower.  They encourage “phone envy”– using slick ads to overtly pressure us to discard perfectly good phones for newer models loaded with features we didn’t ask for and that most never use.  It should be illegal.

I cuss my phone daily, realizing that as the sun sets, I’m one day closer to a replacement phone that will  likely piss me off even more than the one I’m tripping up the stairs to answer.   Yes, I’ve injured myself answering my cell phone and know it will happen again.


I canceled my land lines because the volume of cold survey/sales calls outnumbered legitimate attempts tot communicate, even though I was on every “do not call” list known to humanity. Plus, I was pissed at AT&T for cooperating with Bush’s NSA in their illegal wiretaps.

So I’m basically screwed as these dwarfish,  radiation-emitting, intrusive, annoying devices beckon  from whatever floor I’m opposite.

It’s called “better living through technology.” I have another name for it  but  I’ll refrain from displaying it here…All of this just to die of brain cancer from cell phone radiation.

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