The Center for Disease Control today placed celebrated conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh on quarantine until doctors can sufficiently test and determine why an anal cyst located deep in Limbaugh’s Anal Sphincter has developed the power to reason, speak, communicate, hire a lawyer and petition to force Mr. Limbaugh to excise it from his hind quarters.
The cyst, previously escaping diagnosis, appeared recently after passers-by overheard someone arguing with Rush as he stood in front of an ATM. When questioned, Rush said it’s been going on for years and that he had no inkling that the the voice was audible. He thought the conversations were occurring in his head.
Upon initial examination, a proctologist determined that the foreign body indeed is a parasitic but fully-functioning mammal with its own circulatory, cardiovascular and nervous system, however, it lacks a skeleton. But with a fully functioning brain and working head, it’s fully capable of independent thought and expression.
The cyst claims, “I seek to exercise the rights any living organism under the Constitution. True, I’m a mutant but I reason… I have feelings…I speak and yes, I DREAM! Am I no less deserving of happiness than say, a conjoined twin? I ask only to be removed from this asshole, which is a most unpleasant place to live. It’s sweltering in here and the smell is beyond description. “Plus,” says the cyst, “this mutt’s addicted to Ex-Lax and enema’s. You wouldn’t believe what he tries to ram up in here.”
Another complication of living in Mr. Limbaugh’s ass is that his often Rush’s best bits emanate from there. Since the cyst disagrees with Mr. Limbaugh’s poorly researched, inflammatory statements which, coming straight from Rush’s rectum are often confused with the cyst’s, the insult runs deep. “It’s guilt by association,” says the cyst. “You have no idea how many relationships I’ve lost due to “butt boy’s” “ass-speak”. Tests indeed show that the cyst’s IQ is significantly higher than Mr. Limbaugh’s
Upon its removal, the cyst hopes to register as a democrat, live quietly in the suburbs, pen a book about his years of suffering buried deep in Limbaugh’s sphincter and host his own Air America radio program. “I prefer TV,” the cyst says, “but my looks are better suited to radio”. This is perhaps the only trait he shares with Mr. Limbaugh.
When contacted, Rush said only that while the cyst has been a pain in his ass for decades, he refuses to acknowledge its existence and takes daily pain medication to block it out.
The cyst declared, “This is patently unfair. I lead a healthy lifestyle–I watch my carbs, read food labels. I don’t smoke and loathe drugs. Rush thinks that keeping me doped up will silence me but let me assure you, after flourishing my entire life in Limbaugh’s rectum, my tolerance for both pain and pain killers is considerable. I will persevere. Remember, you can’t `out asshole an asshole’. Rush may be king but I’m the `Mack Daddy’. Just look around. I OWN this hole!”