Dear Sir or Madam,
With keen interest I note that your company operates under a different philosophy than what I’ve experience throughout my career, one I find most compelling. By copy of this blog post, I wish to formally apply for a key position in AIG’s executive management, with officer level being my preference. My qualifications follow.
I didn’t study business in college. Even so, I managed departments in major corporations. I’ve been on numerous junkets, wangled a personal suite, flew on a corporate jet and drank deeply from company wells.
I was always paid for performance. When the company did poorly, my salary increase reflected that. When we had a good year, everyone was rewarded. When the company did well but I missed some of my goals, my pay increase was smaller. Bonuses were determined on the performance of the company, so even if I had a bad year, if the company did well, I could expect a decent bonus. But we never got bonuses when the company tanked. In most cases, compensation made sense and there was a clear correlation between cause and effect. That’s what I find so attractive about AIG. In the face of unprecedented, monumental failure, after your worst year ever, requiring massive bailouts from U.S. taxpayers, AIG still sees it in their hearts not to NOT blame your incompetent employees…and even better, to REWARD their miserable failure. That’s the kind of company I want to join!
Back to my accomplishments. I know how to bullshit…I write well, speak clearly–or as vaguely as need dictates. I can crank out a page of directives that appear substantive but upon closer scrutiny are pure fertilizer. Conversely, I can create plans that defy comprehension but contain deeply buried, meaningful content. I can tell a story in 10 words or10,000. Tell me what you want and I’m happy to provide the precise opposite.
I look good in a suit, have a firm handshake, look people right in the eye, can smile with one corner of my mouth, have great teeth and tremendous control over my facial muscles–to convey nuanced emotions without uttering a sound. I quickly adapt to new rhetoric and readily retain acronyms. My taste in art, music, wine and entertainment is impeccable but I also know how to “represent” in case I need to mix it up with the “peeps.” “Reverse” is my favorite gear.
My eyes twinkle and I can hold my liquor. I have access to a vast library of motivational quotations and inspirational readings. In a crisis, I can even make my shirts look as is they were sent out, no shit. My computer skills are current and for the right bank, I’m willing to relocate. Once in the early 90s, while entertaining 5 guests, I paid a wine bill of $750, which I expensed. My golf game is miserable but people are extremely willing to cheat on my behalf.
I learn from my mistakes. I may not perform as badly as your current fund managers, upper-tier officers, sales management or executive level bureaucrats but given time, mentoring and oversight, I’m confident that I can perform as poorly as your absolute worst. Further, unlike your current employees, I will truly appreciate your unorthodox methods of compensation.
Please accept this with enthusiasm equivalent to mine as its writer. I guarantee to perform as poorly as any executive currently on your payroll. I’ll be happy to start higher, accept far more and am willing to work with complete, even flagrant disregard of your mission, values and goals.
Upon your request, I’ll gladly supply full color photos of any part of my anatomy, clothed or unclothed, along with samples of my work, recent stool/urine/DNA samples and my parole file.
Looking forward to your response,
Paul B. Sonderman