PANDEMIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


No bacon! No sausage! Just eat me!
BEWARE the TALKING BREAKFAST!

This morning, my breakfast talked to me.  Apparently, information travels through the electric system of our house, similar to a carrier current signal.  Exposed to 24-hour examination by the cable news channels of the “Swine” flu, my eggs beckoned…”Not a good day for pork,” they said.  Taken aback–my meals haven’t spoken to me since I quit taking lithium–I pressed for more info.

Leaning close, I asked, “I’m sorry–what did you say?”  They whispered, “Beware.”  They went on to explain that they had overheard  sausage links and smoked bacon talking in the fridge. “All is ready,” said bacon as  sausage silently reviewed its instruction manual. “The time is upon us,”  replied sausage.  “Beware,” repeated my eggs.

You know I'm de-LISH-us!

You KNOW You Want Me…

I turned on CNN and there it was…wall to wall swine flu coverage.  Dr. Sanjay Gupta trying to quell hysteria, comparing this strain to garden variety flu which kills thousands each year. By comparison, said the good doctor, this isn’t a significant threat–at least yet.  The anchors, deaf to Gupta’s comments, repeated, “Pandemic?”  They explained that we don’t have to worry about eating pork but rather, porcine contact.  Even so,  pork producers, feed lots and corn farmers are feeling the effects.  Travel and tourism is likewise staggering.  Fear is rampant.  Certain pharma companies saw increased sales and share values. Corn futures sagged.

Over at “Fox and Fiends,” The “Douchemiester” asked, “Is this President Obama’s `Katrina Moment?’,” his august faux co-journalist suggesting worst-case scenarios, criticizing Barack for not having  in place a head of Health and Human Services, failing to mention that the GOP has held up Katherine Sibelius’s confirmation.  It was Obama’s fault.  Batshit Bachman from Minnesota suggested a possible connection between Swine Flu and Dems, saying that the last time we had Swine Flu to worry about, Jimmy Carter was president…(except it was Gerald Ford, not Carter). The GOP isn’t so big on the facts.

So Swine Flu…My advice? I’m not saying to blow this whole thing off.  I hope it’s impact remains minimal. We must all exercise caution. I am suggesting however, that I just looked up and the sky isn’t falling.

At “Gnooze,” Marta Costello reported on the administration’s reaction.

Anyone remember this?

___________________________

UPDATE: April 29, 2009

World Health Organization Upgrades Flu Alert Level

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3 Responses to PANDEMIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1. skyewriter says:

    “Wall-to-wall” swine flu coverage!

    I immediately envisioned a newsroom flooded by barf…

    I’ve even read some people are trying to blame Obama for the flu: he was in Mexico and he brought it back with him…

    *smacks forehead*

  2. Paul Sonderman says:

    If the threat is dire, I’m certainly not inclined to make light of it, but to go crazy at this point seems a bit unwarranted. Few things are grosser but if done right, little funnier than a chain reaction barf scene.

    Hopefully we can keep it contained and one day, look back on it gratefully. Those whose family are affected will never be able to do so but as epidemics go, so far this seems small. I hope it stays that way.

    In the meantime, I’m still down with the piggies.

    Thanks for commenting.
    -p

  3. Pingback: Swine flu wipes out world population! « ru·mi·na·tions

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