Bikinis and Heels: BEWARE!


A former paramour of mine was a blazing feminist.  She pointed out that among many positive traits, I was a typical chauvinist in many ways, ways I worked hard to excise from my personality  (what can I say, I was “whipped”).

miss usa inside 200409Most of these were unconscious.  I grew up in the `60s with 3 older brothers.  Playboy magazine was a sleepover staple.  “Miss America” was “must-see” TV.  We even watched “Petticoat Junction” (suffice to say, NOT for “Uncle Joe”) and had a running argument about who was hotter, “Ginger” or “Marianne” on “Gilligan’s Island.”

Until we met, I always felt that the best thing about women’s lib was women not wearing bras.  Seeing barely concealed nipples through  fabric was every adolescent boy’s dream.

At first I resisted but when she explained why she found my sexual programming offensive, it made sense.  I modified my behavior accordingly (of course, she went braless, so..it wasn’t that tough.)  I was in love with a feminist.   I stopped using “girl” when referring to any female over the age of 13. I omitted the word “chicks” from my vocabulary (except when discussing fowl.)  I stopped ogling and in general, behaving like a construction worker.  Had she asked me to wear panty hose so I could truly feel her oppression, I would have.  Thank God she didn’t.

You know what?  I found out that OTHER women actually LIKED it.  Feminism made sense and it also seemed to impress the LADIES!  It had benefits.  (What can I say…I was young and hormones constantly assaulted my brain). I was a feminist! I lectured my male peers and they thought I was daft.

My Steinem-reading love and I split up but many of her lessons lingered.  I had learned to look well-endowed women in the eye.  Chicks were baby chickens.   Women were grown up girls.   The “good old boy” network sucked.  Sexist comments were out of line.  Women weren’t “objects”.

bikini3For decades, I eschewed pageants as just a bunch of pin-ups parading around in high heels and bikinis, spouting what they considered profundities, essentially selling themselves for a quick buck.  Talented or not, looks aside, they didn’t appeal to me.  I had been thoroughly re-programmed. Beauty pageants were wrong. Bikinis and heels just don’t go together. I considered them a cry for help.

The woman I ultimately married couldn’t care less.  She’s beautiful.   Nothing about her is forced. While a feminist, it’s more an active, practiced trait than one she wears on her sleeve.  When we were younger, she watched beauty pageants (I refused).  Over time I found them even tougher to watch because I felt like I could be any one of  the contestant’s fathers.  Leering made me uncomfortable.  But I must confess, I still like getting a good hug from an attractive young lady.

The same thing happened to me when as a young businessman, I’d go over to campus with male friends for lunch. The “scenery,” of course was terrific, especially in the spring.  All that youth, all that inhibition; sunbathers–it brought back youthful (and lustful) memories.  But As I got into my forties, I started to want to throw them towels.  It was the “dad” thing to do.  Now, I take my “Little Brother” over and tell him not to be so OBVIOUS as he gawks.  I look straight ahead.

This is perhaps the longest lead I’ve ever written to expose my core thought, which is:  Bikinis and High Heels Look Really STUPID Together. When one wears or has worn a Bikini and Heels, any subsequent attempt at verbal communication other than, “Does this make me look FAT?” (and we all know the answer to THAT one) should be COMPLETELY overlooked.  IGNORE THIS RULE AT YOUR PERIL.

I think I’m dead right about this.  The following clips are evidence enough. When you see women in bikinis wearing heels, unless they’re on fire, IGNORE THEM!  And that’s all I have to say about that.

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5 Responses to Bikinis and Heels: BEWARE!

  1. skyewriter says:

    If you think about it, a bikini and heels are truly at odds with each other in terms of beach culture.

    No way, no how can a woman walk in heels (gracefully or mostly upright) in sand. I don’t care how great she looks in her teeny-weeny. Not. happening.

    The lesson here: If a woman *can* walk in heels *and* wear a bikini at the same time, just don’t give her any gum.

    Seriously, when The Donald ponies up for a franchise, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

  2. Paul Sonderman says:

    Laffin’ out loud. Totally absurd. On a beach one would have better traction in snowshoes. “Don’t give her any gum”…priceless! Thanks, Skye.

  3. Pingback: Miss Anti-Gay Marriage: More Topless Photos and the Donald « New World Odor

  4. Ralph Zyniecki says:

    I just read this post and all I can say is, whew I’m glad you got that off your chest! However let’s look at this issue another way.
    Looking at the Miss America compitition with the ladies in bikinis and high heels makes them look more elegant, taller if you will, their legs look leaner. And of course wearing high heels while walking in sand is out of the question, that statement alone is very obvious, for anyone.
    As a father, and yes still a man, I find the idea of women wearing bikinis and high heels, in the right situations and places very sexy! There I said it! An attractive woman by the pool in a bikini and high heels, on a patio, or the deck brings a touch of class. It’s not a forced look, maybe she want’s to just look good, and knows she does wearing a bikini and high heels. It’s all about feeling good about themselves: it’s not done to sway you one way or the other.
    I’ve known women with Phd’s that wear bikinis and high heels. Let’s go back to the issue of looking good and say maybe the women (feminists) that are up in arms about this issue need to take a good hard look in the mirror, this may explain why they feel the way they do!
    Let’s get back to the day’s when women wore more dresses than pants, more high heels than army boots, let’s get the women back to looking more feminie / classy.
    The more ‘ politically correct ‘ women become in their looks…the more they dress like a man.

  5. Paul Sonderman says:

    Women can wear what they want, as far as I’m concerned. Call me judgmental but if my surgeon shows up in a bikini and high heels, I’m not apt to let her open me up! Of course, I kid, surgeons wear scrubs. But my point is that in my experience, women who wear high heels with beach wear aren’t to be trusted for anything other than perhaps gesturing/smiling broadly toward a shiny new vehicle as both spin slowly at a car show,

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