One slithered and slinked about the stage, at times defying the rules of physics, singing with the voice of a choir boy. The other could sell the shell off a turtle. One shunned paparazzi, the other lapped it up like an iguana. Both ruled their realms and both died at 50.
As you’ve certainly heard, the King of Pop’s demise was quickly followed by the King of “As Seen on TV,” Billy Mays. The King of Pop garnered round the clock coverage, shrines, platitudes, documentaries and live coverage. He was homilized and eulogized. The King of “Call Now?” Not so much…even though it would be fair to say that Michael Jackson’s negative publicity surrounding his pedophilia court proceedings aside, Billy Mays spent more time on TV in the last decade than did Jacko, yet, in death, he’s a mere dimple in MJ’s chin.
So it’s “Michael this and Michael that.” On camera, people remember how religious Michael was, how much he loved to drink “Jesus Juice,” how much he revered Matthew 19:14, “But Jesus said, Let the little ones come to me, and do not keep them away: for of such is the kingdom of heaven,” how Michael once parted something red… raised the dead (in videos) and walked on the moon.
What about Billy? Nobody’s sayin’ shit about Billy. He was a king, too. He did stuff. He was the best pitch man on TV, emulated by ne’er do wells hawking chamois. Even so, Billy is a mere footnote. Why? Simply because Michael lacked the tenacity to hold on to life a bit longer so that Mays could have preceded him. A show boat to the end.
We’ve heard about the importance of sibling birth order. This proves that in humankind’s family, death order is no less significant. This is tragic. Mays was a legend. It can’t stand. I humbly submit that we must rail against this injustice.
“But how'” you ask? I call on all shoppers to gather Billy Mays-related memorabilia, flower arrangements, crosses, candles, bunting, fine wood finishes, set-in stains, filthy surfaces, soiled carpets, leaking pipes, things that hang on walls, broken handled coffee mugs–all of the many tragedies that Billy devoted his life to banish…and make a statement.
Take these items to your local supermarket. Assemble shrines to Billy at every OxyClean facing. Same thing with Orange Glow. Billy deserves our respect, love and remembrance. Get together with friends, neighbors. Conduct vigils.
It’s the least we can do for Billy. After all, our laundry, counters, floors and wood furnishings have all been improved by Billy May’s folksy wisdom through the years. Happy Trails, Mr, Mays. Make sure you tell Jacko about Oxy. (Clean, that is).