Virgins Wait Due To Martyr SNAFU

HEAVEN: Allah reports that over 1000 virgins scheduled to greet 14 bomb-bungling Muslim fundamentalists whose bus loaded with explosives blew up early killing all of them before they could fulfill their mission must wait until better skilled martyrs arrive. The Great One’s vengeful side was on display as he said, “It’s not like virgins grow on trees…especially nowadays.  Plus, they’re in great demand.   Don’t ask why, they just are. You’d think horny, young martyrs would want someone with more “game” in the area of  lovemaking but I gave man free will.  I admit, it wasn’t my best decision but in my defense, things were different back then.”  Nursing a Virgin Rob Roy, Allah continued, “If I’m gonna’ give 72 virgins to every martyr that staggers into paradise, they’d better have blown up something with more suction than their own miserable carcasses.  Holy Jumpin’ Jesus!”

Despite alleged references in the Koran regarding the practice of awarding virgins upon martyrdom, progressive Muslims claim there is no such guarantee in their Holy Book.

Progressive Muslims Claim the Virgin Promise is Crap

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2 Responses to Virgins Wait Due To Martyr SNAFU

  1. FalseFlag says:

    Lol. I love it, Paul. That was a hilarious characterization for the alleged events. But…

    You detract from the fact that this doesn’t make sense — comedic sense maybe — but a sick sense that the alleged event may have been perpetrated as a false flag for political reasons. CNN had scant source.

    Why not just one baumer instead of 14? Perhaps the truck was blasted by remote detonation? Perhaps they were ambushed and the boums were planted? People there wouldn’t lie, would they? Were you there?

    I doubt that it would have been very funny… in which case these men may NOT have been thinking of whores in Paradise, but maybe their loved ones as any decent person might in their final moment. I hope I’m wrong.

  2. Paul Sonderman says:

    No, of course I didn’t witness this. What I do scoff at is the brainwashing by fundamentalist Muslims of a class of young people disenfranchised by mainstream society, whose lives have been profoundly disrupted by decades, even centuries of constant war, whose only apparent escape is a glorious martyrdom, in which, according to the clerics, they’ll receive not only the virgins but other eternal rewards. These saps are duped into thinking their insignificant lives can have the meaning in death that escaped them throughout this mortal coil.

    While others point out the notion of such rewards for such heinous acts is absolutely not provided for in the Koran, the fundamentalists still find willing followers who swallow their lies, hook, line and sinker. It’s the lie that kills, a gift from deceivers that keeps on giving.

    I make fun of their alleged incompetence in a “Pay for Performance” world, saying their lack of success negates their potential rewards, also poking goodhearted fun at virginity as a “holy grail” of sexual desire in a world that seems to devalue it so.

    I take liberties with the deity here (Allah) by applying Christian attributes like creating man and giving him free will, which he now questions (I didn’t research this, I use artistic license to apply my understanding of “god” to him).

    Death is never funny, nor do I intend for it to seem so even as I poke fun a religious ideology that on one hand speaks of God, holiness and divinity and on the other, encourages suicide, death and murder in God’s name. We are told that this is NOT the message of Islam but rather, its false prophets, which I’m content to believe.

    The flip side of humor is tragedy. That’s what created this piece.

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