HEAVEN: Allah reports that over 1000 virgins scheduled to greet 14 bomb-bungling Muslim fundamentalists whose bus loaded with explosives blew up early killing all of them before they could fulfill their mission must wait until better skilled martyrs arrive. The Great One’s vengeful side was on display as he said, “It’s not like virgins grow on trees…especially nowadays. Plus, they’re in great demand. Don’t ask why, they just are. You’d think horny, young martyrs would want someone with more “game” in the area of lovemaking but I gave man free will. I admit, it wasn’t my best decision but in my defense, things were different back then.” Nursing a Virgin Rob Roy, Allah continued, “If I’m gonna’ give 72 virgins to every martyr that staggers into paradise, they’d better have blown up something with more suction than their own miserable carcasses. Holy Jumpin’ Jesus!”
Despite alleged references in the Koran regarding the practice of awarding virgins upon martyrdom, progressive Muslims claim there is no such guarantee in their Holy Book.