Immigration and the Gulf Spill: Problem(s) Solved

I’m an idea man.  Ideas are like ass-holes, in that everybody has one.  That said, consider my ideas on current controversies: immigration and the BP Gulf Oil Spill.

We’re inundated with immigration data these days, both factual and anecdotal: legal, illegal, aliens, guest workers, anchor babies, blah, blah, woof, woof.  Conservatives want to build a fortified Great Wall of Dixie to shield our lower portals from invasion and to deport ALL illegal immigrants. Liberals suggest we grant amnesty to workers willing to do jobs no white folks want.  The issue of crime surfaces, although people confuse it with organized crime, which is exacerbated by our government’s disastrous, puritanical drug enforcement policies that continue to supply drug starved users to murderous suppliers in a high-stakes cat and mouse game.  To be sure, immigration is a problem.  So is unemployment, illegal drug use, human trafficking and a number of other issues that affect one another but are distinctly different. Amazing, though that poverty is involved in so many of them…but I digress.

Enter the Gulf Spill.  Gazillions of barrels billow from fathoms below with no end in sight. Our wetlands, fishing, shrimping, wildlife, shore life, tourism industry and countless businesses throughout the Gulf Coast face total destruction as a way of life teeters on the edge of the abyss with the worst predicted hurricane season since 2005 (Katrina, of course) looming large. You see, now is no time for a catastrophic oil spill.

Time to get creative. Let’s analyze. What’s on hand is a mass of humanity that an insipid a sector of our country feels hasn’t earned the right to be here. We also have a growing cesspool of petrol and dispersants threatening life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in the Gulf and beyond. Consider them resources.

National Resource: Dress `em up--They'll clean it up!

Now here’s the idea part.  To earn citizenship, all illegal immigrants must agree to go to the gulf, where they’ll board large tankers. Once aboard, they’ll don protective clothing of highly absorbent, extremely fibrous material with vapor guards to protect them from any contamination.  From there, the will board rafts lined with the same material, which will be dispatched in close proximity. Each will enter the oil-raped ocean until, serving as a sort of  human maxi-pads, their capacity is reached. They’ll then board the rafts and be towed to land, where they’ll disrobe, putting their clothing in processing equipment that captures the petroleum, cleans and restores or recycles the material from the protective clothing for re-use and leaves each illegal immigrant clean with a fresh scent of his or her preference.  Any immigrant who participates is naturalized and can go back to their regular job.  We can also set up operations in Cuba and coastal Mexico to attract immigrants who following similar procedures along with successful citizenship training, can be assimilated into the U.S. As an incentive, they can board cruise ships instead of tankers.

We need to manufacture the uniforms, assemble flotillas, organize personnel, train new citizens and also clean up the beaches. Each of these will take people, technology, raw materials, man (and woman)-hours and as a result, create employment opportunities–no outsourcing allowed! And Arizona et al, keep your stinkin’ fence.

Time to quit talking and start walking…lemons to lemonade (or “lemonada”).  Hitler would have LOVED this!  Ideas are like people–some are better than others.  What do you think?

This entry was posted in Frivolous, Government, Human Behavior, Humor, politics, pop culture, Race, Ridiculous/Absurd, Right-Wing Haters, Soup du jour and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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